Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
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‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”