Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.