Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Worth the read.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Facebook marketplace is a different world