My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
#Caturday
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.