Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.