I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Usage Guidelines
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
set yourself free xox
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.