How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
That 👊
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Your secret is safeish with me
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.