[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat