[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.