I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
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Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
We decided to have money instead of children.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.