Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
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2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*