[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Knock Knock
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*