Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.