My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down