[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
In case you needed to hear it:
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.