“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!