Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.