What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.