My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Got ya covered
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.