I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room