I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
cyclists
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch