The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Guy who likes music
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend