I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
me when the borders lift
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?