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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn