[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
You Might Also Like
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me too, bag. Me too….
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.