German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
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Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.