Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.