wish me luck lads
You Might Also Like
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.