[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.