Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
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{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
twitter users today: