[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
You Might Also Like
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong