*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Friends that check up on you >
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.