If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
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FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again