[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Botany good plants lately?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.