Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
So many pants.
So little yoga.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
No, YOUR illiterate.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Happy Taco Tuesday
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them