Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.