You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
catch me on valentine’s day like
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.