“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound