Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Well, this certainly took a turn
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
BETRAYAL
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”