I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them