Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
*skinny dips into black hole
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison