Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
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Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house