[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
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ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
When your best mate counts as a desk too
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward