Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
You Might Also Like
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Just a bush.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.