Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Snapes on a plane.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
A couple who are silly together stay together.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today