They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
got so much cardio in today
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?