Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.