A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”