ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?