If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
This took me a second..
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago